


All You Zombies

by HYPERFocused



Category: Smallville
Genre: Evil Lana, F/F, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Meteor Mutant Lana, Mutant Powers, Mutants, Universe Alteration, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 13:40:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2152782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HYPERFocused/pseuds/HYPERFocused
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beware typos on coffeehouse menus. Oh, and Lana Lang.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All You Zombies

**Author's Note:**

> So awhile back (7/01/2003), there was a call for Zombiefic, and I got a minor plot bunny that I put on a back burner due to more important --less silly -- fic ideas, and then forgot.
> 
> Thanks to[LifeInWords](http://www.livejournal.com/users/LifeInWords/) encouragement, I decided it was ripe for turning into a WIP.
> 
> Apparently not ripe enough.About a decade passed with no progress, and no idea what I had planned for it in the first place, so I gave up on taking it anywhere, and archived it here.
> 
> Title from The Hooters

Nobody noticed, at first, when people started disappearing from the streets of Smallville. They didn't tend to be anyone someone would miss. School bullies, ex-boyfriends, farm implement salesmen, and some guy wanting to open a Wal-Mart across the street from Fordman's.

Wal-Mart never would have stood a chance in Smallville. The residents like their small town feel, even with its abnormally high mutant and murder count. Of course, any mutant count would be abnormal, now wouldn't it?

 

One of Smallville's best-known residents was young Clark Kent, the adopted son of upstanding farmer Jonathan, and his wife Martha. Some might call Jonathan the salt of the earth, and Martha a little bit of spice cake. Clark was a delectable morsel himself.

At least, that's what Chloe Sullivan and Lex Luthor thought. They both had designs on Clark. Lex's were tasteful, expensive and exclusive. Chloe's were more colorful manifestations of her vibrant personality. Only one of them was likely to win.

Lana Lang, orphaned fairy princess, and part owner of The Talon, was quite enjoying the battle.

Lex was what one might call a "cool drink of water" -- especially if your water is flown in from Wales, in cobalt blue bottles that make you think of swallowing headier substances. Smooth ( _everywhere_ , from what Lana had overheard,) and suave, he paid as much attention to Clark, as he did to any of his business dealings, his many cars, or the ongoing fight with his father. More, even.

It was clear to Lana that Clark was the most important thing in Lex's life. She tried not to let that bother her, but failed miserably. The thought that she was not the center of every man's attention put a pink pout on her pretty face -- or it would have, if she were capable of such expression.

Chloe, on the other hand, was bright and vivacious, what an admirer of another age might call a "fine, young filly." In point of fact, when she and Lana were drifting off to sleep in their shared bedroom, Lana was reminded of her days at riding school, and how special it had felt, rubbing up against the saddle.

Lana wasn't surprised that Lex and Chloe were interested in Clark. She was just puzzled that the rest of the town didn't feel the same way. Clark was an amazing boy. She'd known that for as long as she'd known him. Though they hadn't become friends until high school, she'd seen evidence of his special skills all along. She didn't know what his secret was, exactly, but she had some fairly strong ideas. Someday, he would tell her.

She did know that he was inhumanly strong, and overly protective of his friends and family. He was always there to rescue her when she was in trouble. She'd had more than her share of tragedy, and Clark had been on the periphery of it since his arrival as a foundling in Smallville.

What Clark didn't know was that she had been protecting him, in turn. Whenever he got a little too zealous saving someone from a meteor mutant, or even a common criminal, Lana would make him or her disappear.

 

* * *

Lana had worn the necklace for a decade. Created from a piece of the meteorite that had killed her parents, it was a reminder of their love for her. Its faint green glow told her she was special, a fact she passed on to anyone and everyone who would listen. She had a unbreakable connection to those who had gone beyond. Bit by bit, the necklace leached the living energy from her, and replaced it with essence of the undead.

There were few outward signs of Lana's descent into zombiedom: a stillness of expression that some found calming, and others saw as creepy; an even stronger urge to spend nights in the graveyard, pillowed on the carved granite headstone. She used to talk to her dead parents. It's only recently that they've begun to talk back.

"We're here, we're smeared. Get used to it," the Langs say. They're stuck in the unfortunate form in which they perished, little more than grease spots on Main Street.

Speaking of grease spots on Main Street, let's go visit The Talon, where Lana serves undrinkable coffee to patrons who have no choice where to get their non-Starbucks lattes. Or "Lates" as Lana's misspelled menu board reads. Today's special: Bran Muffins. Free with any drink. Vegetarians, and those with a concern for their health would do well not to try the muffins. Lana's penchant for leaving letters out of her signs would leave customers unaware of her muffin's secret ingredient. Hint: They're a Zombie favorite.

Thanks to the generosity -- and some would say the wicked sense of humor - of Lex Luthor, Miss Lang is the manager of the distastefully decorated Café/Movie Theater. Often it's the home of campaign fundraisers for Smallville High School class presidents, and impromptu surprise parties for dying psychic junior high school children.

You can take home the singular ambience of the Talon for yourself, by buying the Talon Mix CD, which has so far sold 30 copies, thanks to the tireless work of promoter Pete "Three Line" Ross. (Call 1-888- PLUG YOU)

Pete was oblivious to the more monstrous goings on in Smallville. If it didn't have to do with babes, hot American cars, or product placement, he wanted nothing to do with it.

To get the taste of Lana's coffee, just add one part Liquid Ivory to ten parts bargain brand ground roasted beans, and serve lukewarm. Pair it with a three day old muffin, or if you want a _real_ treat, a slice of Martha Kent's pie.

Clark Kent probably thought Lex took care of the after effects of his "30 yard toss". It was true; Lex was always good for handling sticky legalities. But Lana took care of the sticky bodies themselves. In fact, she lived for them.

You might say, she couldn't survive without them.  



End file.
